And our journey continues...Welcome back!
So here it is...the rewrite attempt that my composer, Jonathon Lynch, and I came up with upon being told that our song didn't work as it was.
If you missed my posting with the first draft, read it here. Jonathon and I (along with the rest of the class) were tasked to write a Charm Song for the classic Jimmy Stewart film, 'It's A Wonderful Life'. Also, if you missed, you may want to learn what we are using as a definition of a Charm Song by clicking here.
The scene/song below was our second attempt at this Charm Song. I'll hold further discussion of the rewrite until after the excerpt....
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Livin’ The Dream!
(The scene opens on a large oak tree, with a sign
made from sticks hanging from a branch overhead reading ‘Welcome to Bailey
Park’. We push past the oak tree
and see several quaint and lovely little houses lining a well-kept dirt
road. There is a crowd surrounding
one particular home, number 4587 Bailey Way. The crowd is cheering as we see MARY and GEORGE BAILEY
standing on the porch with a few items in hand. The MARTINI family is standing in front of them.)
GEORGE
Mr. and Mrs. Martini…Welcome home! Enter the Martini castle!
MARTINI
(with a thick Italian accent.)
Thank you! So nice!
CROWD
(Everyone cheers, then they begin chanting…)
Speech! Speech! Speech! Speech!
MARTINI
(Reluctantly accepting.)
Ok, OK! I’ma make-a da
speech!
(An exciting chord is heard. Perhaps filled with mock reverence,
mixed with a bit of Italian stereotype.
SUNG:)
FIRST,
I LIKE TA THANK-A YOU ALL
FOR
COME TO CELEBRATE
THE
VERY FIRST HOUSE I’MA EVAH OWN!
I’MA
SO PROUD, AND SO HAPPY TO SAY…
WE
LIVE AT 4-5-8-7 BAILEY LANE!
GEORGE
(The music pauses as GEORGE
corrects him.)
Uh, that’s…Bailey Way…
MARTINI
(Music repeats the phrase.)
4-5-8-7
BAILEY WAY!
AND…
NOW… I’M LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
BOY,
HOW I’M LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
(MARTINI in interrupted as the
crowd chimes in, and the tempo quickens.)
FEMALE
SHAKE
OFF THE DUST…!
GEORGE
NOW
YOU’RE THE UPPER CRUST…!
GUS
THE
CRÈME DE LA CREAM!
ALL
YOU
SAW THE TINIEST SPARK
AND
TOOK A SHOT IN THE DARK,
NOW
BAILEY PARK IS WHERE YOU LIVE THE DREAM!
GEORGE
Well, that’s just beautiful!
MARTINI
Thank you, Mr. Bailey!
Thank you! We so happy to
be here!
GEORGE
Well, we’re happy to have you here. Aren’t we, folks?!
(crowd cheers)
Say, Martini…I’d like you to meet one of your new neighbors, Gus.
GUS
Hi, there! Welcome to the
neighborhood!
MARTINI
Thank you!
GUS
Say, where were you staying before you moved here?
MARTINI
Oh, well…
GEORGE
Mr. and Mrs. Martini were renting a place from Potter…
(crowd gasps. Music halts?)
GUS
Potter?! Well, you made
the right decision to get out of there…
MARTINI
Yes…you see, it was always my dream to have-a da-
GUS
I had a place with Potter once, myself. Biggest mistake I ever made!
THIS
RENTAL I SEALED,
IN
OLD POTTER’S FIELD.
PERFECT
PLACE TO HANG MY HAT…
BUT
ONE LITTLE HITCH
LEFT
OUT OF THE PITCH…
I’D
BE ROOMING WITH A RAT!
I
CAUGHT MY FIRST GLANCE,
THE
RODENT STOOD IN A TRANCE…
I
TOLD MYSELF ‘WELL, MAYBE ONE STROLLED IN, BY CHANCE…’
I
OPENED THE DOOR,
THERE
WAS A MISCHIEF, OR MORE…
NEARLY
WET MY PANTS!
BUT
NOW I’M LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
LOOK
HOW I’M LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
AND
SINCE OLD POTTER THINKS I’M VERMIN
I
HAVE SWITCHED UP MY TEAM.
GEORGE
CAME ON COMMAND,
A
TRAP AND CHEDDAR IN HAND…
THE
TOWN I’M NOW INVESTED IN’S INFESTED WITH THE BEST!
YOU
GUESSED I’M LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
IMPRESSED? I’M LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
I
TOOK FIRST PLACE IN THAT OL’ RAT RACE AND I’VE GOT A NEW SCHEME!
THAT
POTTER SURE IS A SHARK,
AND
THOUGH THE FUTURE WAS STARK…
NOW
BAILEY PARK IS WHERE I LIVE THE DREAM!
MARTINI
Yes, yes! We are very
looking forward to-
MALE
Aww, Gus, that’s nothing!
I’m sure Martini’s old house had much bigger problems…
MARTINI
Well, actually, yes… You see, it was always my dream to have-a da-
FEMALE
Yeah,
Gus. You think you had issues in
your old place? Well, just let us
tell you…!
WE
RENTED A FLAT,
FROM
POTTER, AT THAT…
MALE
SEEMED
A NIFTY LITTLE SPACE.
FEMALE
THE
HOUSE WAS UNSTAINED,
‘TIL
ONE DAY IT RAINED…
MALE
WATER
FILLED THE WHOLE DAMN PLACE!
FEMALE
A
MOP AND A PAIL,
WE
STARTED TRYING TO BAIL…
THOUGH
POTTER KNEW, HE ONLY SAT AND WATCHED US FLAIL!
MALE
OH,
STORM AFTER STORM,
TIL
‘ALL ASHORE!’ WAS THE NORM …
FELT
LIKE WE’D SET SAIL!
BOTH
BUT
NOW WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM,
LOOK
HOW WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM.
THOUGH
OUR CUP MAY NOT RUNNETH OVER,
MALE
WE
DON’T NEED THAT EXTREME.
BOTH
GEORGE
HELPED US GET OUT,
BEFORE
WE SWAM WITH THE TROUT!
FEMALE
OUR
SPOUT WAS OVERFLOWING,
MALE
TOOK
UP ROWING,
FEMALE
HAD
TO GO!
MALE
AND
SO
BOTH
WE’RE
LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
LAND
HO! WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
AND
YOU WILL NEVER SEE US FLOUNDERIN’ OR SWIMMIN’ UPSTREAM…
THOUGH
WE WERE SET TO EMBARK, WE GOT THE HELL OFF THE ARK!
NOW
BAILEY PARK IS WHERE WE LIVE THE DREAM!
GEORGE
Well, now, wait a minute everyone! I’m very flattered that you feel that way…and you can all
share your stories with Mr. and Mrs. Martini soon, BUT since it’s Mr. Martini’s big day, how about you
finish that speech of yours!
MARTINI
Ok…Ok! You see…
MA
DREAM ON DA SHELF?
I
THINK-A MASELF,
I’MA
RENT A HOUSE FOR LIFE…
A
PLACE FOR DA BEDS,
ROOF
OVER OUR HEADS…
AND
A KITCHEN FOR MA WIFE!
DA
DEAL, SHE’S-A PASS,
A
PLOT IN OL’ POTTER’S GRASS,
THE
ROOF’S-A LEAK AND FLOORS-A CREEK, SHE
SMELLS
LIKE GAS! BUT,
POTTER
NO CARES…
NO
LET ME MAKE NO REPAIRS!
THIS
MAN, HE’S AN ASS!
I’VE
NO MUCH TO SPEND,
SO
ASK-A MA FRIEND,
BAILEY’S
SAVINGS AND-A LOAN!
NOW,
THANKS TO DIS GUY,
WE’RE
ABLE TO BUY
OUR
OWN ABITAZIONE!
ALL
AND
NOW YOU’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
LOOK
HOW YOU’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
MARTINI
AND
WE WILL KEEP OUR HOME SO TIDY,
LOOK
AT HOW SHE’S-A GLEAM!
ALL
GEORGE
BAILEY’S THE GUY
WHO
HELPED US REACH FOR THE SKY!
THAT’S
WHY WE ALL ARE WINNING,
CAN’T
STOP GRINNING! IT’S A SIN!
GIVE
IN TO LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
BEGIN! YOU’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
NO
LONGER SQUATTERS DOWN IN POTTER’S FIELD, YOU’RE HELD IN ESTEEM!
AND
THOUGH OLD POTTER MAY BARK,
YOU’LL
JUST SIT BACK AND REMARK,
THAT
BAILEY PARK IS WHERE YOU LIVE THE DREAM!
(Key Change!)
TODAY
WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
HUR-RAY!
WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
NO
LONGER SQUATTERS DOWN IN POTTER’S FIELD,
WE’RE
HELD IN ESTEEM,
AND
THOUGH OLD POTTER MAY BARK,
WE’LL
JUST SIT BACK AND REMARK,
THAT
BAILEY PARK IS WHERE WE LIVE THE DREAM!
TODAY
WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
HUR-RAY!
WE’RE LIVIN’ THE DREAM!
AND
BAILEY PARK IS WHERE WE LIVE…
THE…
DREAM!
(End of scene.)
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So what about this works?
Well as this is a verse chorus song, we learned from the feedback of our last attempt that we needed a longer chorus, so we both shortened the verse sections and lengthened the chorus. This gives the audience a chance to really live in the 'catchy' part of the song. That was a nice start! We changed the main singers of the song from the original two (Bert and Ernie) because there are already several other song opportunities for them throughout the show. This gave other townspeople a chance to be involved, and let us see some other personalities. Not a bad move! And last, we kept in that darling Mr. Martini section, with his wonderful broken English that we loved so much.
Ok, so it has some stuff going for it.
But now let's look deeper. As I said in my last post, there are TWO huge problems with the song as it stands, even in this incarnation.
1. We still seem to be focusing on the negatives more than the positives!
By this I mean that the verses are spending a lot of time telling specific instances of what was NOT the dream. For a song called 'Livin' the Dream', we still were giving more focus to flaws with past living circumstances, as opposed to WHAT the dream was, or HOW these characters were living it.
2. It still feels like we are shirking Martini!
Poor Mr. Martini and family! We chose a moment to write a song about how they are 'movin' on up' in the world, and then steal it out from under them with a slew of chorus members that nobody has heard of before...or ever will again! In this draft, I attempted to play with the notion that this theft of scene was a 'bit', and made it clear that Martini kept trying to speak, but was being interrupted by an exuberant 'know-it-all' crowd...but this was not enough to save this song.
So how do we fix it?!
This is where all you writers are probably shouting at your screen, 'Lee, you idiot! Obviously, all you have to do is (fill in here with some brilliant answer to fix the song)!' (Although I respect your exuberance, please don't call me an idiot.) I can say that after months away from the class, and even longer away from this particular assignment, I have an idea or two of my own that I am bringing up to my composer as I write this. And quite frankly, it's writing this very blog that has brought to light some clarity as to where things were off and how they could be remedied. So, thanks a lot! I couldn't have done it without you!
Well as this is a verse chorus song, we learned from the feedback of our last attempt that we needed a longer chorus, so we both shortened the verse sections and lengthened the chorus. This gives the audience a chance to really live in the 'catchy' part of the song. That was a nice start! We changed the main singers of the song from the original two (Bert and Ernie) because there are already several other song opportunities for them throughout the show. This gave other townspeople a chance to be involved, and let us see some other personalities. Not a bad move! And last, we kept in that darling Mr. Martini section, with his wonderful broken English that we loved so much.
Ok, so it has some stuff going for it.
But now let's look deeper. As I said in my last post, there are TWO huge problems with the song as it stands, even in this incarnation.
1. We still seem to be focusing on the negatives more than the positives!
By this I mean that the verses are spending a lot of time telling specific instances of what was NOT the dream. For a song called 'Livin' the Dream', we still were giving more focus to flaws with past living circumstances, as opposed to WHAT the dream was, or HOW these characters were living it.
2. It still feels like we are shirking Martini!
Poor Mr. Martini and family! We chose a moment to write a song about how they are 'movin' on up' in the world, and then steal it out from under them with a slew of chorus members that nobody has heard of before...or ever will again! In this draft, I attempted to play with the notion that this theft of scene was a 'bit', and made it clear that Martini kept trying to speak, but was being interrupted by an exuberant 'know-it-all' crowd...but this was not enough to save this song.
So how do we fix it?!
This is where all you writers are probably shouting at your screen, 'Lee, you idiot! Obviously, all you have to do is (fill in here with some brilliant answer to fix the song)!' (Although I respect your exuberance, please don't call me an idiot.) I can say that after months away from the class, and even longer away from this particular assignment, I have an idea or two of my own that I am bringing up to my composer as I write this. And quite frankly, it's writing this very blog that has brought to light some clarity as to where things were off and how they could be remedied. So, thanks a lot! I couldn't have done it without you!
Anyway, I'll be discussing some changes with Jonathon, and we'll see what culminates. Maybe I'll even share. (Just kidding...you know there's no 'maybe' about it!)
Until next time...
-Lee
...of 'Lee'rical Wordplay...
...in case there was any question...
I really loved seeing the inner workings of songwriting using these two attempts as examples. Thank you so much for sharing them with us. Now, I just have to stop chuckling because of the Sesame Street characters, Bert and Ernie...
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